Ever have good news to share, but your past over shadows the joy? Ever hoped for a low-key reception for an announcement that is stage worthy? Not all joys and pains are black and white, but instead you just have to focus on the hope – hope that the pain will dissipate, or the joy won’t be too fleeting.
And that’s where we are: We have a Hope Baby. My belly is swelling, I’ve had strong symptoms, and yet the fear and anxiety is still ever present. But with the unease comes a whisper of hope that everything will end up okay. Because that’s all you can really do – pray for the best and leave things in God’s hands. Much to my dismay, I can’t control everything. No matter how many jinxes I hope to avoid, they will have no control over the outcome.
And speaking of jinxes, am I the only one that does things in hopes of counteracting any possibility of the bad? The baby and maternity clothes were stowed away, any gifts for Baby HG3 were packed away for a baby that would never be, and I had to change my thinking that maybe we would be a family of four and not five. And when people asked if we would try again – because yes, surprisingly people do still ask these personal questions – I only responded with “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure” when deep down I crumbled a little more inside at another reminder of the loss.
But this is a happy post. Because there is a tiny baby that will hopefully be jumping into our chaotic little homestead in February 2016. When you look at all the numbers of the likelihood of pregnancy, and a healthy pregnancy, it seems astounding to me that we can have another. All these little people running around us are absolute miracles. I know it’s sappy and hokey and all things greeting card-esque, but it’s true. Miscarrying beyond 12 weeks has taught Brad and I to appreciate every heart tone, the glowing gummy bear wiggling in an ultrasound, and each appointment we make and then go on to attend.
So instead of the usual pregnancy announcement fanfare, we are simply clinging to hope that all will be well. We are also very thankful for all the people in our support network that have been there for us these past months to help us recover from the loss, be comfortable with how the loss has changed us, and walked along side us through the uncertainty, fear, and impatience of trying again.
Thanks for all the love,
~M and the H-G Clan
P.S. If you are experiencing or considering a pregnancy after loss, I found this blog post from the Pregnancy After Loss Support website and this resource from the UK Miscarriage Association both really helpful. I’m hoping they are helpful to you, too. You are no alone.